living as an ordinary radical.....

I am struggling trying to balance my time lately. I love being surrounded by people and yet I know that when I am spending time with the Lord I am filled up, refreshed and so much better to be around. But I still can't seem to find a balance in this area. I lack in discipline. Last night I had this inward struggle with this very thing. When I got home I wanted so badly to open my bible and read or sing some songs on my guitar to the Lord but I found myself feeling extremely tired and only wanted to lay on the couch and watch a movie.....that way I wouldn't have to think about anything. I could tune everything out. Kind of a self medication type thing. And then of course I fell asleep and felt horribly guilty in the morning for not spending my time wisely with the Love of my life. And this is the inward struggle between our flesh and the spirit. So I can make a choice when I wake up to change and do things better or I could wallow in this state of guilt and beat myself up. I find that I struggle with these things no matter where I am at. Our weaknesses always follow us where ever we go.....where ever we try to run away from them. I am redeemed and don't need to live my life in a state of self pity. Thank God for that. I mean really I thank my God that I can move on and step forward in this. God knows us better than we know our selves.

I am still finding joy in walking the markets picking out fruit for the day. People are very friendly and I am making some good friends as they see me everyday and are seeing an improvement in my thai. That is very encouraging and on days when I wonder what the heck I am doing here I am reassured that God's got it all planned out and has me here for relationships. Greeting people in the markets, making small talk with street venders, and loving the kids with all that I have. Struggles are good. Struggles are healthy and as much as we hate to struggle, it means we are letting go more of ourSELVES and allowing God to strip us of our selfishness. I want to be stripped. I want to be open and broken and sluffed of the things that hold me back. I don't want to be bound up. I want to be nam jai.....the name where I work is baan meaning home, nam meaning water, and jai meaning heart. Nam Jai means water pouring out of the heart. Living water spilling out of the heart. I want love, grace, mercy, joy, and PEACE to be pouring out of my life......So that is my prayer. There is some rich soil here in Thailand and the people are hungry and living. I am greatful to be here in this place.....