Last night....

(this I wrote on my last night in WA back in 2007....)

Last Night-

It's my last night at mom and dad's house. How do I say goodbye to my dad? To mom? Why do I try to act so calm and cool like this huge life change doesn't bother me...doesn't effect me? When really, deep inside it's hard to catch my breath knowing it's going to be a long time since I will see them again...since I know that so much will change. My steady rocks are being shifted and my feet feel unsteady. Steady me heavenly Father. I love them with all that is within me....with my every being. Is it protection that I do this to my self? Trying to protect so that I don't break down and show them my weakness. I don't want them to know how scared I am to go. It scares the shit out of me. I am broken down and I cry... lying in my bed I cry...break me down. Break me down on this last night with my mom and dad...cover them with your wings and tell them how much I love them and will miss them and will think of them every second of the day....for with out you Father- with out them I would not be able to step out into this great season...a great adventure into a great country.....be my comfort on this last night I am sleeping under the same room as Ed and Sheryl...the bearers of my very blood...for two became one and I became and was given wings to fly.....on this last night I commit my life, my plans my future, my family....on this last night may it never be the last but may it last forever in my heart...... 

Bitter Sweet.....

(this was written back in 2007....just wanted to share with you)


Bitter Sweet

I'm thankful that you give me trials
Thankful for my weakness
Thankful for a broken heart
Thankful for nakedness
Thankful for pride, humility


I'm thankful for so much more....for with out these I would not need you like I do. 
I'm thankful for being lost, confused, and scared
Thankful for these struggles that overwhelm me and rock me to the core for without these I would not be so absolutely dependent on you. 
Thank you for loving me like you do.
Thank you.....I am so in love with your bittersweet love for which loving you would be too easy
Thank you my sweet saviour

This Old House......

(I was going through a bunch of old journal entries and found some that I would like to share with you all.....this one is one that I wrote on the last night before leaving WA to head back to Thailand knowing I would never sleep in it again....I had lived in that house since I was just over a year old....it held many beautiful memories for me)

Raider color house
Swing under the old maple tree
We each had our very own trees
Had a perfect view of Laura's house
The dog house that Shad hid in
The maple tree we used to climb and swing down on a homemade zip line
Garage where deer would hang from and where dad would go work out in


I will miss fighting over the bathroom
Crowding in the living room to watch a movie
Holidays where every corner was filled with family and laughter
Playing bump in the front yard
Driving to the HighSchool
Walking to the store
Sitting on the grassy hill on warm summer nights
I will miss the smell, the sound, the feel of this old house

beautiful grace....

I just watched the Passion of Christ for the first time since it being in the cinema years ago. I was overwhelmed by the intensiveness of it all. It's hard to watch and yet it's such a beautiful reminder of grace....grace given to me....completely don't deserve it....it's hard to grasp in my little mind. I don't get it and yet I do. Sometimes when I'm working with the kids and they are so annoying to me and I ask the Lord to help me to help train them up in a way that would be glorifying to the Lord, I begin to see them with God's eyes and I see their brokenness, their sin, their selfishness, their heart that wants to rebel but yet God has grace for them...He has grace for me. They are so precious in His eyes and it's my job to teach them love... love, the greatest commandment....Love...it's so hard and yet so simple. If I can just master the art of love and loving then I am done... I can go be with my Lord....it's an ongoing battle....struggle something that I may never master or understand the depth, hight, length, or any measure of my Father's love for me and others....

Lately I have been struggling with time...time spent with the Lord, time to myself, time to just sit and be in God's presence, time to pray and listen. I struggle to get out of bed. Sometimes I dream about sleeping all day  because my body feels so tired and exhausted! I feel like a sluggard.....I am. That's it...I am a sluggard. I'm lazy and my spirit is lazy. I don't have discipline. I am in such need of God's grace for my weary soul and my lazy bones. I hate it. I hate that I can't get up and breath in God's word, His presence and walk in the passionate understanding of God, His grace and His gospel...so much that it falls of my lips like honey drips from the honey comb....I desire that and long for that and live for that.....it's like that verse from Romans (I think) that talks about I do what I don't want to do and don't do what I want... I am such a human and a woman who sins every day....Jesus, take these lazy bones and pick them up....shake them....shake me and wake up my sleeping body....I am in need of your grace and your love and your addictive presence....amazing grace~ my beautiful grace giver...I am forever indebted to you.....


        

 

a break.....

We have been having heaps of fun with the kids over the school holidays! We have had picnics, camp outs, yummy cooking classes, swimming....and lots more. It's been a fun time with the kids. I enjoy having them around....even when I'm trying to get stuff done.... I love when they sneak into the office, sit on my lap and pretend to be typing on my computer. It's fun having the home with us! They are growing up so much! The other day I was working in the boys house and I asked them to clean the bathrooms and they cranked the music up, put cleaning boots on and cleaning gloves and were dancing with the toilet brushes! It was beautiful! Crystal and I will get to have Nui and Garin down to our house during Songkran (the water festival). All of the thai staff is off so each of us are taking a couple kids and will have them for a week. I'm looking forward to the many water fights and fun times hanging out with both of them. We will continue to have fun and laugh and run and play and scream and tease and ride our bikes and be kids together..... I miss that uninhibited childlike play time......I will try to be uninhibited this week.....why don't you try too....It's my challenge for you....